Hiead Gner For Dummies- The Love Quest Script
by Munkey Ju
Summary: *updated slightly* Rated PG13 for language, violence, and Mary Sue characterizations. Extended Love Quest Script from essay Hiead Gner For Dummies. Hiead suffers through novelty love-match television show only to end up empty handed.


The purpose of the script you are about to read was originally created to serve as an educational purpose, but proved most entertaining to the author upon creation. This is NOT a Mary Sue glorifying script. If it's anything at all, it's a Mary Sue condemning script. For the rest of the essay please contact Ju via her e-mail! Thanks!  
  
WARNING: The "Love Quest" company, it's proprietors, and beneficiaries along with the faculty and staff of GOA have given permission for the viewing of this activity. Please note that all Mary Sues were harmed during the creation of this show and the sequel (along with seventy-two action figures) will be released this Christmas.  
  
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HIEAD GNER FOR DUMMIES- The Love Quest Script  
  
  
Game Show Host: Welcome to a new episode of Love Quest! I'm your host for the next half-hour! Let us meet the three lucky bachelorettes who will be fighting for the chance to go on a date with our bachelor! From Cheeseplease, Wisconsin we have a tall skinny blonde with pale blue eyes sporting a cute little pink number with matching panties. Everyone, Mary Sue Ritescrap!  
Mary Sue Ritescrap: (waving) Hello!  
Game Show Host: Our next bachelorette hails from Notaclue, Pennsylvania! Her blazing green eyes, freckled face, and ultra short gold sequined skirt with matching halter top could bring even a minister to his knees and beg for sex! Not to mention that fiery red hair because we all know about redheads, Miss Mary Sue Flarealot!  
Mary Sue Flarealot: (hair flip) Hey!  
Game Show Host: Our final contestant comes to us from Sortofsane, Montana, where she studies psychology and self defense! Put your hands together for Annie Mae Fiend!  
Annie Mae Fiend: (adjusts collar on jacket) Let's do this.  
Game Show Host: (taps cards) Umm… right. Now to introduce our lucky suitor! He currently attends GOA with every prospect of becoming a…. Goddess Pilot? His interests include piloting his PRO-ING, freaking out his classmates, and plotting the death of his repairer and rival! His future plans consist of "killing all you incompetent assholes out there!" Ladies and gentlemen- Hiead Gner!  
Hiead Gner: (arrives from behind lavender curtain and sits down in large purple chair while glaring at audience) Go to hell.  
Mary Sues: Oh, he's so dreamy!  
Hiead Gner: (scowls at cardboard wall and eyes it threateningly) Whatever.  
Game Show Host: Our suitor here will randomly ask the three bachelorettes a series of questions. Hiead Gner! You may fire at will.  
Hiead Gner: (pulls out dagger hidden in his boot and begins to sharpen it) Victi- I mean, Person Number One. If you were going to plead for your life, what would you be wanting to be saved from?  
Mary Sue Ritescrap: Well… (twirls hair and smacks gum) I think you really are a nice guy. If you were "trying" to kill me you really wouldn't be. I mean, you would grab me by my wrist, turn me around to face you while pressing my fragile figure against your hard chest, and then you'd look me in the eyes and say, "Baby, stick with me and we got it made."  
Hiead Gner: (obviously furious) There is no way in hell… (crosses arms and mumbles something about strangling Mary Sue Ritescrap under his breath)  
Game Show Host: (chuckling nervously) I think you need to calm down a bit, Mr. Gner.  
Hiead Gner: (slowly looks from dagger to Game Show Host then begins to take aim)  
Game Show Host: (gulps) Or we can play it however you see fit, sir.  
Hiead Gner: (pauses then lowers dagger) I'll play along… for now.  
Game Show Host: (dries forehead and sighs relieved) We'll be back after a short announcement from our sponsors.  
  
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Kid: (runs up to mother seated comfortably on couch reading home décor magazine with father next to her reading a local newspaper) Mommy, Mommy! Look at what Jimmy just bought with his allowance!  
Mother: (inspects toy her child just thrust in her face and begins to scream) Oh my God! I cannot believe it!  
Father: (peers over paper and eyes toy then smiles and nods head in approval) The new spooning knife madman Hiead Gner action figure from the Fakus Toyus Company! Now with Kung Fu grip!  
Kid: (demonstrates Kung Fu grip and imitates Hiead's voice) I'm going to kill you mercilessly, any last words?  
Mother: (faints)  
Father: (thumbs up) Hiead really knows how to get the ladies worked up! (flashy teeth sparkle)  
Voice-over: Buy the new Spooning Knife Madman Hiead Gner action figure with Kung Fu grip and get the hottest Christmas toy of the year half off! That's right, you get the Axing, Stabbing, and Slicing Hiead Gner Freak Of Nature action figure half off! And now at any Bogus Toyus retailer store you a free Hiead's Death Mixture with every Hiead Gner action figure purchase made by the magical man himself!  
Hiead Gner Imposter: (pointing at camera while reading cue cards to the left) DRINK IT.  
Voice-over: Hurry while supplies last!  
  
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Game Show Host: (distraught) Welcome back to "Love Quest"! Hiead, continue your questions!  
Hiead Gner: (resumes sharpening dagger) Target Number Two, if I were to suddenly attack you mercilessly, where would it be, and how would I do it?  
Mary Sue Flarealot: (puts away mirror) I'm a redhead.  
Hiead Gner: (blinks) And…?  
Mary Sue Flarealot: You know what they say about redheads.  
Hiead Gner: (pops neck and grits teeth)  
Mary Sue Flarealot: (winks at audience then giggles)  
Hiead Gner: Dupe Number Three, if you "accidentally" came across my path and interrupted my sound piece of mind, what proper course of action would you take before my iron death grip squeezed out every last breath of air your pathetic lungs held?  
Annie Mae Fiend: (thinks for a moment) I would not have been there in the first place.  
Hiead Gner: (nods then eyes wall again) Very well… Dimwit Number One, let's say you are my repairer…  
Mary Sue Ritescrap: (twirling hair) What's a repairer?  
Hiead Gner: (snarls) Never mind that right now. Let's say you are my partner and…  
Mary Sue Ritescrap: (starry eyes) You mean you've selected me?!  
Hiead Gner: (stands up and chunks dagger at sound guy then sits down on the seat again ignoring sound guy's screams) No, just listen, damnit! You're my "partner" and I'm in battle, suddenly you realize that you forgot to correct the jet pack on my PRO-ING resulting in my being injured. Would you meet me in the hall outside the hangar so I could kill you right then and there or would you flee and make me hunt you down first?  
Mary Sue Ritescrap: (taps chin "thoughtfully" with one hand while twirling her hair with other) I think…  
Hiead Gner: (smirks and retrieves dagger out of sound guy then walks around to the contestants) Too late, time's up!  
Mary Sue Ritescrap: What?  
Hiead Gner: (slices Mary Sue Ritescrap's throat and runs her head first into metal support beam)  
Mary Sue Flarealot: (starry eyed) Wow, you must really love her, huh?  
Hiead Gner: Christ… (tosses Mary Sue Produce's corpse aside then lounges at Mary Sue Flarealot and snaps her neck with one hand)  
Annie Mae Fiend: (scoots stool away from Hiead Gner) Umm…  
Hiead Gner: (stands up, soaked in blood, and scratches back of his head with dull side of dagger while sizing Annie Mae Fiend up)  
Annie Mae Fiend: Umm… (looks around then stands up and runs)  
Hiead Gner: (smirks then takes his seat on opposite side of wall again)  
Game Show Host: (tugs at tie) Well, it would appear that Hiead Gner has chosen none of these contestants! He'll be whisked away, by himself, to the lovely scenes of Monte Carlo! Where he'll wine and dine the night away, by himself, in our choice five star restaurant and hotel! For seven days! By himself…  
Hiead Gner: (rises from behind Game Show Host and breaks chair over his head) Yeah, right, like I have time to take a stupid vacation when there's a certain brunette and his stupid companions I have to dispose of! (walks off)  
Game Show Host: (barely breathing) Join us next time on Love Quest! (dies)  
  
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Though the actual tape itself has disappeared with only a note left behind, this event will forever live in infamy as hundreds of Mary Sues and millions of avid movie goers/novelty show enthusiasts were subjected to repeats of the same scenario with different Mary Sues. Thus ends the HIEAD GNER FOR DUMMIES- Love Quest Script. 


End file.
